About this time every year, the same question comes up: Please tell me how I can rid my yard of all these pesky moles? You can run down to the farm store or big box store and find all kinds of traps and poisons for eliminating our subterranean terrorists … some may work — sometimes.

I’ve got a better plan: I’m going to start a “Rent-a-Hog” mole removal service. For a nominal fee I will provide a hog or hogs that are 100% totally guaranteed to rid your property of moles, voles and grubs. They flat wear out fire-ant mounds.

To start my company, I need some partners. Lincoln County has a rich history of producing some of the best hogs in the world. Ask anybody in my age range about Clayton Thomas and they’ll tell you he had the best Durocs anywhere. Lyle Barham in Petersburg used to put on a seedstock sale that drew buyers from all over. If you see George Stewart, ask him about the swine industry around here — he’s an expert.

Maybe I can get some help from some of our outstanding 4-H or FFA members. These young people know about swine production because their teachers help them learn about modern livestock production, including sheep, goats, cows and horses, but they do an extra good job with the pigs.

Here is a glimpse of my business model:

• Customer calls asking about our Mole Elimination Service.

• We ask about the scope of their project.

• Based on what the customer tells us, we develop a plan to accommodate any size or type of property from a yard to a football field to a courthouse lawn.

• We will be able to provide pigs, shoats, gilts, sows or boars or any combination thereof.

After getting the Rent-a-Hog business up and going, I plan to add a Rent-a-Goat service for weed control. I had a good friend who used to lease goats for cleaning up brush and weeds along highways and powerlines. Goats love Kudzu but they can also control privet, multiflora rose and nodding thistles.

Other possibilities:

• Rent-a-Goose — For fertilizing around ponds and down for pillows.

• Rent-a-Guinea Hen — Best known solution for getting rid of ticks.

• Rent-a-Pigeon — For direct mail.

• Rent-a-Skunk — Great way to liven up a party (at your neighbor’s place).

I’m still looking for business partners. If you are interested, please bring your resume’ and business portfolio to Petersburg’s Our Town Fair on Saturday, April 25, at the Morgan Community Center from 10 a.m. until 4 p.m. This year’s theme is “Sell, Swap and Sing” and will the best yet. (BTW: If you believe I’m starting any kind of “Rent-a-Beast” business, I have a bridge for sale in Belleville I’d like to show you.)

— Gill, an Elk Valley Times columnist, is also an author. His books can be found on Amazon and other online book websites as well as in stores in Fayetteville and Petersburg.